Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. Every kid knew that there turtles having sex an inherent risk in asking Santa for an action figure, because parents usually figured that as long as it had the right logo on the box, they were on the safe side. He looks like he’s one missed deadline away from a felony groping charge.
90s to wake up on Christmas morning and see the wrapped Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-shaped box. In anticipation you’d tear it open, wondering what would be revealed. Or some fat guy eating a sandwich, with toilet paper stuck on his foot? The truth is, an alarming amount of TMNT toys were neither teenage nor mutant nor ninjas nor turtles.
Some of them weren’t even appropriate for children. This wasn’t a Barbie tie-in or something: This Ravishing Reporter April doll came packaged like a regular Ninja Turtle, including accessories like a dagger to defend herself when her pimp isn’t around and a fully detachable skirt, which no doubt served to fuel adolescent fantasies in the dark ages of the pre-rule-34 era. Notice how his pinky finger is doing the Shocker. Pizzaface was described as “Shredder’s crazed culinary creator” and “the ultimate Turtle nightmare” because he possessed the power of the pizza pie. And if there’s one defining characteristic of the Ninja Turtles, it’s that they hate pizza. Not that this picture looks exceptionally appetizing. OK, at least this one is a Turtle.
That is, some toy designer said, “It’s the mutant turtle part kids love! They can take or leave the teenage ninja part! The whole show could be about planting seeds and learning about proper crop rotation, the little shits will still watch it! Damn, guys, it was hard enough to even want to buy a Donatello figure at all. And yet this must have been so popular that it led to a follow-up. That’s the greenest neck beard we’ve seen since the Grinch got hooked on Eve.
There was a time at the height of He-Man’s popularity when the social status of a school-age boy was dictated entirely by the amount of Masters of the Universe action figures he owned. The only thing worse than having no He-Man figures? Having one of the lame ones. And they had a lot of these. Since the only discernible unifying concept for the He-Man line was the presence of pectorals and a Speedo, the designers were able to come up with some truly deranged shit.
This guy doesn’t just look like he’s coated with fungus: They actually went out of their way to give a dampy feel to the touch and a “real pine scent” to it. It is disgusting in every conceivable sense. Now imagine trying to sleep with that thing staring at you from somewhere in your room, if you can. Moss Men are particularly difficult to find among collectors today because most kids buried them in their backyards in fear.
Like Moss Man, Stinkor came with an actual stench derived from patchouli oil — that was his power. Then there’s Grizzlor, also known as the moment when Mattel started fearing for the sanity of its employees. Grizzlor is a mental breakdown in the shape of an action figure. Dear lord, they’ve gone too far this time. How are we supposed to sell this? At least at this point they were still trying.